Tuesday

The Darkness Will Turn Into Light.[Personal Blog]


I haven't always look like this, this skin complexion, this form of style; I was what you called ugly and depress, just plain miserable. I use to wake up feeling like my whole existence was a mistake, like why was I born. To be honest my life hasn't always been so perfect and normal, not at all. I guess you can say that I was pretty fucked up, because of everything going on in my home when I was younger, then having to attend school and be humiliated and pick me for being different was even worse. I use to believe that maybe I should fit in, then maybe they will accept me. but boy was I was wrong.
You see we live in a world where people expect you to just accept the cultural norms and values. They believe that your self worth isn't that important. Well I beg to differ. See if I knew then what I know now I would have not subject myself to that kind of behavior. Let me give you a run down on what I was put through as child and up until my last year in high school.

I suggest we take a trip down memory lane:

I was born into chao's, mayhem and foolishness. At the time my parents marriage was beginning to decline and fall due to a majority of issues arising. I'm going to be honest, I have no memory of my childhood clear up until I was like 6 or 7. To some people it may seem weird but to me I doesn't. Anyway, I come from a family that has few issues [non of them will I name] but lets just say me and my dad never got a long. I use to think that the reason he would call me bitches, whores, fat ass, dumbass, slow and any other vulgar saying was because of something I did. Now this is funny, I remember all the bad things, but not any of the good things. I was verbally and psychologically abuse by my father. It got to the point where I develop an eating disorder. Yes I would binge eat all the time to hide the pain, and hurt, to the point where I became a prisoner in my own body. As I got older, I begin to grow to hate him a lot. I didn't care that his health was failing or anything, but I never utter a word to him about it till 11 years later. No child should cry themselves to sleep at night because the person who claim to be their treated them like some dirty fucking bitch off the street. It would be years later that I finally told him the truth, that even though what you did to me, I still loved you, and wish things would have been different.
Life went on, school became another prison, a more torturing prison. Let me say this for the record, children can be little fucking pricks, like to be so cruel to each other is sad, really. Now to be honest, I did my share of dirt, like if you piss me off I would get back, but it was different, in elementary, middle and high school people push you to your breaking point. I was pick on mostly for my height, never my weight. I was called dude for looking like one supposedly. Snake because my hair was damage, and I would shed hair. But I still wanted to fit in. The school officials would humiliate me, like tell my family business to the class. It wasn't until one year where I lost my nephew, went through a glass door, and felt really down, that I couldn't take it no more. That finally year leading up to my last year in middle school, the officials were taking my kindness for weakness. Now like I said people have breaking points and well, they broke it. One day the director of the school asked me a question and I was raised to give an honest response. Well you know how that went, she did not like my answer. So to make a long story short, she tried to put me on blast and well I said this "FUCKED" because I was piss. Well I got suspended. My mother wasn't upset, but they were. Hahah now look at them, I did everything they said I couldn't do.
Then high school came, and that's where the drama started. That's when everything was beginning to manifest. My eating disorder turned to not eating, I was depress all the time, I was having suicidal thoughts on and off. My self esteem was beginning to decline, I can pretty much say that I was beyond depress. Last year and the year before I was too tired to fight and push. I was too tired, and to be honest it still gets like that at times, but not as horrible as it was last year. I knew that I needed to get back in touch with God. I turned away from him two years ago because I was piss off that he was not answering or moving faster enough for me.

So since I been back in church and started college life is going smoothly now. I learn that yess I have stretch marks:

I was once big and lost the weight, so get over it. These are just the scars to remind me how far I have come.

Yes I like different things such as movies and books:




YESS I READ THE BIBLE AND PRAY TO HELP ME
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To keep it real, I do cuss, I do lie, I do have an attitude problem and other issues that God is working on to help me change and get better.
Yes there are times that I was to say fuck it and be like everyone else, but my heart and mind won't budge. People can go fuck themselves for real because I will always be Briana, the new one, the improve one who will not give up. The one who doesn't care about relationships, the one who doesn't want kids. People claim to know me, but they don't. This world needs to realize that let people be who they want, because in the end they will always will be. Stop talking about people, I too am working on not always judging people, I to learn that I cannot do that.

LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE, BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FOR YOU, DON'T COMPROMISE FOR NO ONE, LET GOD LEAD YOU, NOT MAN.

^_^
Boutzie'

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