Wednesday

Me.


In these last five since being home from school, I have realized and come to terms with so many things about myself. I realized that I fear rejection from people that I have a tendency to down play myself just to be accepted by them. I know this sounds to sad, but in reality this is what I have been doing all my life.  Last semester something I did hit me to realized this very thing. See when I was a child the very person I wanted to accept was my dad, and he never did. And with his passing last September, I didn't deal quite well with his death. I felt that we had more to discuss than what my letter had to say. I will never get the chance to tell him how he really hurt me, psychologically, mentally and emotionally. He broke me down so bad that it resorted in me downing who God created me to be. Thus causing me to act and behave in ways I normally wouldn’t do because I was sad, and thought something was wrong me.
So I called my friend up and cried to her asking her is there something I'm missing, and she told me that I have to stop running, and start dealing with my issues. She said that because if you don't then you’re going to be older one day, and miserable. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know I was running I was just putting off. So over the break I really didn’t do much but read this book and come to terms. I came out of denial and said to myself that I fear rejection, which hinders me from everything. When I said that to myself it was like a weight was lifted off of me, and I started to come out of denial about everything. My height, weight, attitude and everything. I told God that I'm tired of this rollercoaster and I want to get off now. And just like that I did.
I have realized that I'm full figure, and tall and I cannot change that because God created me to be that. I have to love myself and accept myself. I'm a child of God and highly favored, and I have been sit apart for greatness and I cannot allowed the distractions the enemy puts in my face to hinder or mess me. I have to be myself, spiritually. I cannot hide that, not anymore because that's my life, that's who I am.
This semester, people will see that, and if they cannot accept that, then whatever, they don't.

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